I’m definitely not a dad, but I’ve been around a few. Here are the top 10 things a new dad needs to know, or eventually should figure out…
- The baby will look like you, but let mommy suggest it. After all, mom did spend the last 9 months carrying this beautiful baby. Let her suggest she has your nose, eyes, hair, basically every feature, because why would she look like the person she was inside of for 9 months? Mom wants this little beauty to be her mini-me. Let her have the moment. We all know this baby will be a mini version of dad in no time. Let her have her moment.
- Don’t ask if mom needs ‘help’ with the housework. You’re an adult, and you are a team, do it. If the laundry basket is full take it to the washer, and then switch it to the dryer, and after that fold it BUT DON’T YOU DARE PUT IT AWAY. Mom has a specific place for every baby item thoroughly decided by color, season, size, and the way she felt when she bought it. If the dishes are dirty, wash them. DON’T TOUCH THE PUMP PARTS. Those need CDC level sanitizing, or just some dawn dish soap and hot water depending on how tired mom is. Just basically touch all the adult things and leave the baby things to mommy.
- Another hot topic ‘help’ subject: BABY. Don’t you dare ask if mom wants help with baby. Instead, read her mind and know exactly when she wants you to hold baby, and do it exactly like she does. Wake up at night every time the baby makes a noise, but don’t touch the baby, just watch mommy breastfeed from afar. She doesn’t want to watch you sleep and imagine how she’s going to murder you. When you hear baby drop a bomb, go ahead and take her to change her, but don’t put the diaper on weird, not too much powder, just go ahead and let mom do it.
- If mom is nursing or pumping make sure she has a constant supply of water. Have water in the fridge, ice ready, and be prepared to deliver at all hours of the day.
- Keep the house stocked with all kinds of fruits, veggies, and remember to bring home tacos, pizza, and chocolate. A new mother needs nutritional options along with options that make her feel better after getting 45 min of sleep in the recliner with a baby attached to her boob.
- Keep mom motivated to drop the baby weight and get back to the gym by keeping your mouth shut and never saying the words ‘baby ‘and ‘weight’ in the same sentence unless you’re at the baby’s check up or you want to sleep in the basement.
- Give mom lots of hugs, kisses, and physical affection. Only if she’s showered, brushed her teeth, isn’t hungry, has slept, the baby is sleeping, and the house is clean. If all of those aren’t happening at the same time don’t touch her, but if she mentions that you haven’t kissed her in days, you waited to long and missed the moment. So basically just kiss her and hope for the best.
- Make sure mom isn’t feeling alone. Invite friends and family over, I mean the ones she wants to see. She has a list of approved visitors, you know the ones she doesn’t mind seeing her in her yoga pants, no makeup, and 3 day hair. So basically just her immediate family and like 1 friend. She’ll text them, you just stay right next to her as much as possible, listen but don’t touch too much.
- Make sure to answer the phone whenever she calls, but if your phone or text ringer wakes the baby: You’re DEAD.
- If she somehow allows you to be home alone with the baby for 15 minuets, you better respond to all 15 of her texts asking how baby is, and if she needs to hurry.
Hopefully by now you’ve figured out this is a joke, but in every joke there is a sprinkling of truth. Be loving, supportive and a real partner. All new mothers are anxious, irritable, and not totally themselves. Be there for her the best you can, and do all the little things she asks. Don’t get upset when she critiques your every move, and vents about being tired but refuses to let you get up with baby. Mom wants to do it all. She can, but it’s so much more fun to have someone along the way. No worries, a few months from now she’ll be back to the woman you first met, but with a bonus mini version as well. But seriously, mind-reading is a plus. 😀