Today is one of those days. It can go one of two ways. Let someone else rip apart that last shred of self confidence I’ve been clinging to for quite a while and become the negative catty Lindsay, or say fuck this and say I’m better off without it.
Maybe I’ve been holding onto something that I should have let go of a long time ago?
Sometimes we have to be let down in a big way to grow in a huge way.
I’ve never had an abundance of self confidence. From the outside I may come off as a super confident, always willing to give my opinion, somewhat of an asshole person who is able to get shit done when it needs done, but to the people who REALLY know me they know I’m always seeking approval, just confident enough to get by, and a recovering people-pleaser.
I’m not sure if it’s lack of self confidence, a strive to be humble, or just stupidity but I’m not one to put myself out there. I’m deathly afraid of confrontation and I’m somehow even more scared of rejection. I hate talking about myself in a positive manor, and I’m the first one to joke about my inabilities and faults. I’m never afraid to joke (it’s true) about the mistakes I’ve made or the short comings in my life. If you want someone to talk bad about me, come find me. Need someone to blame, I’m your person.
I know those are all horrible things. My worst enemy has always been me. I have this idiotic notion that if I get all the horrible stuff out in the open and make it known, people will find the good and ignore the bad. I couldn’t be more wrong. I’m basically a walking billboard of everything negative about me. Even worse, I’m teaching that to my daughters. I’ve laid the blue print of how to sell yourself short.
I’ve tried to over-come this issue, but it’s hard. It is what it is at this point.
To give myself a little credit, I have come a long way. I’ve definitely attempted to build my daughter up more, and any time I have something negative to address with her I point out the good in the situation as well. I try to remind my daughter (and myself) that we are not defined by the mistakes we make. I never want to give my daughter(s) a false sense of accomplishment, that’s not the goal. I want them to know they’ve earned good praise and reward, but even in their worst situations, I want them to know they are loved, they are valued, and they are worthy of real love. Something I missed along the way. You can definitely feel LOVED and still not feel WORTHY of that love. They are two totally separate things.
I want to make my daughter(s) and the people around me feel wanted and loved but above all I want them to know they are worthy of that love. It’s not enough to just say it, you have to show it. Once someone feels self worth, everything else is so much easier to believe. Self worth is what makes you confident. If you don’t see your value, no one will.
Over that last few years I’ve definitely changed my outlook on the world and people around me. I see all the amazing things I have in my life to be grateful for, now I just have to apply that to myself. Recognize my value.
I am worthy.