Today is my 10th Mother’s day as a Mom.
You would think by now I would feel like it, but if I’m being honest I still feel like the kid.
As a mother, my world is filled with so much anxiety, guilt, and fear. Anxiety over daily life, at least for me. Trying to balance work, children, and home. Guilt for wanting time to myself or with friends. And fear that I’m going to let them down.
Even after 10 years of this I still feel like the kid. Constantly comparing myself to actual adults or ‘real’ moms. How do they have time for the kids, cooking, cleaning, hair, makeup, the gym, friends, family, spouse, after school activities, and a million other things? I’m pretty good at getting the essentials but all of them? Forget it!
I can’t even get through a shower without someone needing me. My planner looks like Lisa Frank got a job in a prison. I’ve worn makeup about 3 times in 3 months. I can’t remember what day it is, and I have to get out a calculator to remember how old I am. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but when does it click? When do I finally feel like MOM and not the child? When does that confident MOM superpower kick in?
Growing up I always looked at my mom as this ultimate Super Hero. She had an answer for everything, was in complete control, and could not be broken. You didn’t question her, you didn’t doubt her, she had it all together. My mom was just that, a mom, or my definition of a mom.
I don’t know why, but I feel none of those things. Maybe the truth is, she didn’t either. As a child I saw her as a mom, something I wasn’t. As an adult I know the truth. Constant worry for your children, never ending doubt of yourself and your abilities, and keeping it all together, but just barely.
We grow up seeing mom as a super hero. Once we grow up we feel like the exact opposite. I guess the part that matters is how our children see us. To them I’m the answer for everything, their super hero, their Mom.
Happy Mother’s Day,