The last time Jeff and I went on a date I was one year younger and 50 lbs heavier.
I remember getting ready for that night out, “What am I going to wear?”
Better question, “What do I have that even fits?”
It was November of 2019, I was at my highest weight since having Eleanor, not my highest weight ever but I knew I was getting way too close for comfort. I put on a few layers of spandex, squeezed into a pair of jeans, I’m not even sure how, and found a few layers of black to slap on top. We had a great night but I was truly uncomfortable the entire time.
That night was a reminder of what I had previously and far away I was from it.
It reminded me that I was heading the wrong way and desperately needed to get back on track.
If you’ve been over weight your entire adult life it’s hard to know what it feels like to be in a healthier body and mindset. It’s like you don’t know what you’re missing, but once you’ve been there, it’s a constant reminder of what you’re missing. That entire night I was more concerned with not eating too much, sucking it in, and not letting Jeff see me…
Fast forward to last night’s date 42 WEEKS LATER.
The night was completely different.
My day was spent enjoying some time with Eleanor, Allison was at her dad’s house. I didn’t spend the entire day digging through my closet, dreading what pair of jeans I was going to be punished by all night. I didn’t try on 10 shirts, debating which one was the right shade of black to hide under. Instead, about an hour before we left, I was showered, hair and makeup done, and I wore the first pair of jeans and top I tried on. It was a spandex free night.
The best part about last night…I was free. I didn’t spend the entire night worrying about food. I didn’t worry even once about sucking it in or hiding behind a cover-up. I didn’t even have to think about how I looked. it wasn’t because I’m some Victoria’s Secret Model, far from it, it’s because I’m comfortable again. It’s not about being a goddess of perfection, it’s about feeling good in your body.
I know there are so many people out there who say you can feel good in your body no matter the size, and for some that may be true, but until you’ve experienced something different I’m not sure they can honestly say that. Again, love yourself, but also love the idea that we can always be better and do better. Health is not a one time win. It’s not something you can achieve in one day. It’s every day. It’s forever. Why not use every day to do better, to be better, and to be healthy?
Jeff and I had a great night out. I did not go into this night thinking about the last time we had a night to ourselves. I didn’t go into it with this deep connection between where I was last year versus this year. I didn’t think about it until we were trying to remember the last time we had gone out. Thanks to Facebook I was able to find the photo we took that night and thanks to that photo I was instantly taken back to everything I was feeling when that photo was taken. The difference between then and now was incredible.
If I can give anyone reading this just one piece of advice: Don’t settle. Know that health is not a stagnate thing, it’s ever changing. Something we can put daily effort into.